Hey Brother? Why Are You In My Life???

Last week, I posted a word for my Single Brothers. Today, I've got something to share with my Single Sisters!

It's absolutely true! People come into our lives for a reason, a season or even a lifetime. However, if you want to discover why a person has come into your life, you'll have to get past the initial meeting and have an actual conversation! This is especially important if you hope to be married someday! 

Now I know that sounds so simple, but you'd be surprised what I hear from brothers about their encounters with those of the female persuasion! 

I had one brother tell me, that when it comes to dating Christian women, he feels like he can't win for losing. When he tries to approach a sister, either he gets shut down altogether or he gets bum-rushed into the marriage discussion before the friendship has a chance to get off the ground. Then when he does meet someone who interests him, but ultimately decides that she would make a better friend than a wife, he gets accused of trying to lead her on. Then there are the sisters who come on to him so strong... as in they're offering him everything they've got, wrapped up in their red hot panties... he feels so much pressure, it's suffocating, and he can't wait to get away.

Yes... All this came from one brother's experiences! One very nice, very saved, hard-working brother who will make someone a great husband one day... If he can get past the preliminary stages with his heart and mind intact!

Then there's the brother who introduced himself to a sister by sincerely asking the question... 

"Is it safe to speak to you?" 

When I heard this, at first I laughed... then my heart went out to the brother as I thought about what this poor guy must have been through just trying to connect with a good woman! I know from experience, that the journey to love can be paved with lots of dips, trips and winding curves... For women and for men!

Yes, that's right... I honestly believe that the brothers are having just as hard a time finding true love as the sisters are. For one, I've heard the way that some sisters talk to and about brothers, so I know these guys are justified in their hesitation to reach out to women. Not that men don't have issues of their own... Of course they do! But we sisters have to take ownership of our role in the communication breakdown that keeps us apart!

One way we can do this, is to strike a balance of being open, kind and friendly, while managing our expectations and emotions. 

Most of us have a relationship history and we may be carrying some memories that can cause us to spook easily. Let's face it... no one wants to keep reliving the same relationship nightmare... Same story, different person, over and over again! When we feel threatened that this could happen, we tend to dismiss people before they get a change to diss us!.

But we're the ones who miss out when we choose to disregard someone without getting to know the real person and giving them a chance to get to know us! We can say we're waiting on the Lord, or for a sign from heaven, that this person is "The One", but it's more likely to go something like this...

You see someone and your heart says, "They seem interesting... I like their look, their walk, their style, their flavor, etc. I should reach out and connect."

Then your fear kicks in and says, "They probably don't want to be bothered with me... They're out of my league... They're not my type... They're probably a jerk!"

Before you realize it, you start to second guess yourself and you question if you'll be received, respected or taken seriously. Based on past experiences, you question the other person's character or their authenticity and ultimately you decide to keep yourself 'safe', so you "diss" them before they have a chance to diss you! 

Now, they've done absolutely nothing to you, nevertheless, you've negatively judged them, unfairly dissed them and blocked what could potentially be a great opportunity to meet someone special! 

This could just be a missed opportunity, or it could be an indication of a deeper issue. 

You could be projecting your fears and insecurities onto the other person and assuming your issues will affect they way they feel about you. When you're worried about your life issues... things like your relationship past, your body image, your credit score, your kids and whatever else you're seeing as a limitation, you're magnifying that and allowing these things to stand in the way of connecting with others. Basically, you're making the assumption that they'll react a certain way, based on your one-sided, misguided, negative opinions about yourself. 

This can become a serious problem when you let it affect the way you engage others. If you're afraid to let others see the 'real' you, (and all your issues) then you may drive them away with a bad attitude. You could also put on a facade and act one way when you first meet someone, then as they get to know you, the real you comes out and they're confused about who you really are. 

If your concerns make you think you may never find the right person, then that can come across as being desperate. When this happens, you can come on too fast, too strong and that too can drive a man away. 

So what's a girl to do, once she realizes that she's the one with the issues???

First, you deal with your issues. Change the ones that need changing, accept the ones that you can't and learn to love yourself, just the way you are!

Second, let go of the fears that are keeping love at a distance. If God says you're worthy of love, then a man who has God's heart and mind will feel the same way! There is one out there for you and God knows how to bring you two into the same space at the same time so you can meet. Which brings me to my third point...

RELAX and Enjoy the Journey!

As I said in the beginning of this post, "People come into our lives for a reason, a season or even a lifetime. However, if you want to discover why a person has come into your life, you'll have to get past the initial meeting and have an actual conversation!"

When it comes to interacting with guys it's important to be yourself and not stress out. They need friendship and companionship just like women do. They don't need to be flirted with every time they turn around, but they shouldn't be ignored either. That's why we have to see them the same way God sees us. If we're sons and daughters of the Father, then that means we're brothers and sisters in Christ!

So when you engage a brother in the Lord, then treat him like a brother! 

Would you be afraid to walk up and speak to your natural brother? 
Would you be stressed about having coffee with your natural brother? 
Would you be worried about calling your natural brother to check on him?
Would you be concerned about sending the wrong message by sending him a text to encourage him?

You shouldn't be! If your motives are right and you just want to be a blessing to your brother, you should be able to do that without fear, stress or worry. 

Now ask yourself this...

Would you engage in a conversation about sex with your natural brother, try to tempt him to have sex with you or go to his place and have sex with him??? 

Absolutely Not!!! 

Then here's the key to handling your brothers in Christ! Treat them like a natural brother! If you wouldn't do something with your blood brother, then don't do it with your spiritual brother. Until God tells you differently you approach each brother with the understanding that he's in your life to bring you the same thing that a natural brother would bring into your life! Nothing more... Nothing less!

When thinking about a healthy relationship between a brother and sister, you can expect to receive protection, teaching, companionship, recreation, and occasional help with big chores and repairs when you need assistance. (Now this doesn't mean you should take advantage of the kindness of all the single men in your church. But you should be able to get a jump if your car won't start after church service.)

If your goal is to enjoy the companionship of a brother, then once that's understood, that should eliminate the need to prove your suitability as a wife. You're simply being a kind, loving, genuine sister and you're letting God handle the rest! You're letting Him work out the plans for love and romance and trusting Him to let you know when the right person comes along. Until then, you stay in Sister Mode!

However, if you sense that a "brother" is becoming interested in you, as more than a sister, and you don't feel the same way, then it's fair to pull away a bit to send a subtle hint. If that doesn't work and he continues his pursuit, and you're still not feeling him that way, then you may have to have an open, honest conversation to get your point across. If he still doesn't let up, then it may be time to involve a parent, an elder or a pastor to intervene and make sure he knows you're not interested in his advances. 

If, on the other hand, your feelings for a brother get stirred up, then you should back off and take the situation to the Lord. Ask Him to clarify your feelings and if this man is the one for you, ask God to make that crystal clear to the both of you and the people who matter in your life. If God says he's not the one, then ask Him to help you to see the brother as a brother and nothing more. Ask the Father to help you trust Him and not your feelings to decide when it's time for love. Then give your love life over to the Lord, ask Him to give you peace and the grace to stay in Sister Mode! If your emotions continue to be a problem then it may be best to put some distance between you and that brother so you won't continue to entertain any thoughts in that direction. 

Only you can control your emotions and if that's a struggle, then spend more time focusing on the Lord and ask Him to help you learn to keep your emotions in check!

Having a good relationship with the Lord and maintaining healthy, balanced relationships with your natural father and the other men in your life, will actually help you not to feel so needy for a boyfriend. When you feel valued in these kinds of relationships with other males, it will help you learn to better relate to your husband some day. And this may be the reason God allowed these brothers to come into your life... Not to be your husband, but to help prepare you for your husband!

So if there are brothers that you'd like to hang with as brothers, then reach out and let them know that's what you're all about. It may take a minute for a guy to accept you as a sister, but once they see you're sincere and that you don't have an ulterior motive, like being on the marriage hunt, then they will appreciate your friendship and respond in like manner. 

Prayerfully, as we grow in this area, so will the brothers and we can all just relax and get along! At least that's my prayer! What about you?

Have a blessed one!



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